HEART MATTERS

Reasons Women Cheat

By Omosola AKINGBOYE

Marital infidelity has no doubt become a commonplace in today’s society. Though both men and women are guilty of this, and though women haven’t surpassed men on the cheating scale, findings have revealed that more married women are increasingly getting involved with someone other than their husbands. According to an American sexual behaviour study, 14% of married women have cheated at least once.
Increasingly too, infidelity in marriage has been captured in movies. Diane Lane did it in the movie titled “Unfaithful”. Sarah Jessica Parker also did it in “Sex and the City”, and many more.
In Africa, tradition frowns seriously at a woman having extra-marital affairs more than it does for a man. That is why in many places, punishment for marital infidelity is usually very severe on the woman. For instance, recently in Kenya, a woman who was caught in the act with another man was stripped naked on streets while crowds gathered to feed their eyes. Recently too in Enugu-Ezike, Igbo Eze North LGA of Enugu State, Nigeria, a woman allegedly ran mad at Nkwo Aji village of the community, confessing how she had cheated on her husband.
In some places, a woman’s unfaithfulness can equally result in the death of her husband or children. One such place is Isoko South LGA of Delta State, Nigeria. Here, the punishment does not rest only on the women, but the innocent husband also faces untimely death for the singular act committed by his cheating wife.
But why exactly do women cheat on their husbands? Different writers have adduced several reasons like revenge, lack of adequate sex, self esteem, lack of intimacy, under-appreciation of men, men’s emotional withdrawal, bedroom boredom, etc. Some people who spoke to Nigerian OrientNews also shared their views.
Felicia John Dogo, who works with Social Welfare Development Office, Abuja, believes that most women cheat on their husbands at the point when their husbands could not meet their marital responsibility, morally and emotionally. She, however, stressed that it is improper for a woman to engage in such a shameful act frowned upon by the society, noting that most women who get involved in the act do so either out of selfishness or due to maltreatment by their spouse. She therefore advised women to desist from it and leave everything to God, adding that it is not ideal for a woman not to uphold her marital vows, and it is only a woman that takes God first that could make her marriage work.
On his part, Ezekiel Tunde, of the Director’s office, Department of Social Welfare Service in the FCT, narrated his recent encounter with a lady who told him that she would definitely seek satisfaction elsewhere, married or not, if her man does not satisfy her in bed. He, however, pointed out that there were many women with no genuine reasons for doing it. He blamed this on lifestyles copied from the Western world as opposed to African traditions. “A lot of women get all these ideas by watching foreign movies, pornography materials, which they think is free and nothing wrong about it. In Africa, we have a tradition which some African women find difficult to cope with. In the West, they don’t see it that way, but with our tradition and religion attached to it, a God-fearing woman should have the fear of God ahead of any condition she finds herself in marriage,” he said. He equally advised men to be sincere and carry their spouses along with their problems in order to find solutions rather than hiding it and punishing a woman unnecessarily or pushing her to engage in unwholesome act.
Mrs. Ogundipe, a housewife, highlighted that social engagements could influence a woman to cheat on her husband and the calibre of friends a woman keeps tells on her attitudinal behaviour. She noted that a woman’s background is also a factor. A woman from a background where nothing is seen to be wrong with extra-marital affair is likely to find herself in it and her children will follow suit. “If a woman is behaving that way, going out, her children will not talk, but they know, either through text messages or strange calls, and they are learning. So, that kind of child, when she grows up, will not see anything wrong in it, because she has seen her mother doing it,” she stressed.
She also blamed men who lack in the area of their responsibilities, saying that some men prevent their wives from taking up a job and prefer to cater to the needs of the family all alone. According to her, it is not all men that can meet all the needs of the family, yet they will not allow their wives to work. This, she said, warrants some women to look for extra-marital affairs for upkeep. She advised men to have the fear of God, maintaining that even though the Bible teaches that a wife is a helpmate to her husband, not to the extent of shouldering the man’s responsibilities, which most times leads a woman to compromise her virtues and sell her body to another man in a society overwhelmed by poverty.
For Mrs. Rifkatu Iortyer, who works with Social Development Secretariat, FCT, “It is totally not acceptable, it is totally wrong. There are so many vices of life that come up, but if you look at them, you will justify your doing it. I want you to know that a man not being able to foot his financial responsibilities is not enough to propel a woman to cheat on her husband. A man has other responsibilities too. At times it has to do with emotions. Sex-wise, some men are not there; you need them by your side, they are just not there. You now find women going out of their way to look for other men. Anyhow, there is no excuse to justify this. Whatever is not godly remains ungodly, and any woman with the fear of God will allow God to intervene in her situations rather than engaging in shameful acts.”
On the traditional measures for punishing offenders, Mrs. Iortyer urged communities to reverse the harsh and inhuman methods of the past. She said that even though African society rejects marital infidelity, there is always a room for sinners to reverse their evil ways, adding, “it is better to live in the present than to dwell in the past.”
Also contributing, Mrs. Nneka Ezeemo, who lives in the United Kingdom, corroborated the views and several opinions. She described the problem as a universal syndrome that is rooted in the societal value, but with diverse approaches to solution. Stressing that some of these problems emanated from men, she however maintained that as far as African setting and traditions object to and oppose infidelity in its entirety, African women generally should be guided by the precepts laid down by our forefathers in terms of ‘dos and don’ts of marriage. She also advised women who involve themselves in such a despicable act of sleeping with other men outside their marriage to desist from it, saying that no amount of excuse is weighty enough for a woman with self-esteem to engage in such an act, which she said not only devalues womanhood, but also constitutes a bad precedent to female children.
On the way out, Mrs. Ezeemo concluded that communication among couples alone cannot resolve chronic family problems, especially where the man is not always available for such. Citing Western examples, she said that marital problems are usually resolved through marriage counsels and by couples engaging specialists for talks. She therefore called on women not to derail from existing methods as laid down by our forebears in addressing marital problems through Men of God, elders, as well as medical doctors if need be, rather than engaging in despicable acts contrary to African norms and values.